You're Doing It Wrong

I’m trying to get ready for a road trip so sadly you are going to get some very half-assed coverage.

I admit I spend too much time online but allows me to tell you pretty much every site that I regularly read had some form of “Beginner’s Guide to Watching the World Cup” feature. I read none of them. I did bookmark a few items like this post with profiles of the German team. They have a guy on their team who is 6’6″! I can’t wait to find out more about him.

But first let’s talk about Brazil v. Croatia.

Pity the poor team that has to play against the host team in the opening match. The commentators did not even try to hide their bias. They said things like, “Huh, [Croatia’s] cross wasn’t too bad.” Like this team hadn’t played a half a million games to qualify to be there.

And then Croatia opened the scoring and it was like when the aliens blew up the White House in Independence Day. I was not fond of the commentating. At one point he told us that the Croatia, who was down at that point, was probably thinking they wanted to score a goal. What a risky assumption. Where is John Strong? When they released the birds at the beginning of the match the commentator told us that now the Brazilians were behind the team. As if earlier they’d been on the fence. Also I can’t type the word Brazilian without thinking of a hairless crotch. Thanks to the people responsible for that.

But on to the important stuff: How cute were these teams? And Croatia’s coach is gorgeous, too. Cheekbones. I immediately decided that Marcello (Brazil) is my favorite. And then he scored an own goal. My superpower is jinxing soccer. But meanwhile, that hair. So much amazing hair (ironically) on these teams. I’m sorry I don’t have time to put up photos for you but if, like me, you believe that all soccer teams need at least one player on the pitch with amazing hair (on his head), you would have been pleased today.

And there’s a difference between amazing hair and stupid hair. I will try to distinguish in a future installment.

I enjoyed the match. Brazil won but I thought Croatia, despite their terrible checked jerseys, played well and it’s just the first match.

Sadly, I’m probably not going to do better than a match a day until the middle of next week. I’ll be offline for a few days but hopefully will catch up when I return.

You ever run into one of those people who will go out of their way to tell you how they saw Bruce Springsteen back in 1974 in Ashbury Park and how they were onto him before he became famous?

That’s kinda how I feel about me and World Cup.

Anyone remember the olden days when couldn’t even get all the World Cup games and you’d have to tape the re-broadcasts when they were aired in the middle of the night? I do, barely.

Now you can choose from 200 soccer matches a day and there are broadcasts of friendly matches between countries no one has even heard of. Amazing. And I still keep seeing the dialogue about whether soccer is finally going to happen in the U.S. like it isn’t already here. Yes, I realize that it’s not as big as other major sports but it’s doing just fine. There’s been so much World Cup coverage I’m already sick of it.

Just kidding.

Meanwhile, you can catch up on my previous World Cup coverage here. Looking through those old posts, I have learned a lot. Timbers started in Major League Soccer in 2011 so this is my first World Cup since I started following a club although I did have half a season ticket for the Timber’s last season in the lower division.

Here’s a hilariously over-the-top promo for German National Team.

World Cup Coverage 2014 will be spotty at first. I am going to California next weekend to celebrate Father’s Day and (a) no Internet and (b) not sure how much soccer we’re going to get away with at a family gathering. Never fear, I’ll be back.