You're Doing It Wrong

How many times have I written about how much I hate the Parade Magazine that comes in the Sunday paper? Sometimes Bob will leave it out on the kitchen table just to hear me groan, “I hate the Parade!” when I see the cover.

They run these cheesy ads in the back for free Amish miracle fireplaces. These fireplaces keep you super warm and use almost no energy and don’t make pollution and cure diseases and make all your wishes come true. It’s hard to believe that they don’t sell these on every street corner. The ads include terrible photos that are so phony you can’t believe it’s not a fake ad. Check the company’s website .

They also have these promotions where you can get a free heater if you call in the first 48 hours. I’m really stupid and even I know that nothing is ever free. But that ad runs all the time, in the regular paper, too. Isn’t there some consumer group somewhere trying to put a stop to all this? I finally remembered to look it up online.

Oh hey, I was right. It’s a total crock. It doesn’t make wishes come true. Also it’s a free space heater inside of an Amish made mantle that you have to buy for a few hundred bucks. (Be sure to read some of the comments. Shill alert!)

Today was not as productive as I would have liked. I did a little bit of yardwork and brought in some apples so I can make applesauce tomorrow. I made delicious pumpkin muffins from a recipe from Eden and baked a loaf of bread.

Too bad my goal was to write a bunch of pages and catch up on crits. Maybe tomorrow.

On Friday I was sitting here working on writing and decided it was stupid to sit indoors when it was 70 degrees and sunny outside. And October. It’s going to start raining in a week or so and it’s not going to stop until next July.

I put on some shoes and got my camera and went for a walk.

A big wave of geese was coming through. I took a lot of photos but it’s hard to capture geese on the move. I couldn’t remember if my camera has a movie function and if it did how it worked (story of my life) which is a shame because they make a lot of noise.

The mailman saw me wandering around and asked if I was lost. I said, “No, I decided it was stupid to sit indoors.” He asked about my camera so I took his picture. He brings us our netflix. For that, we love him.

Northern Idaho from last year’s trip

It seems like sometimes I drag my camera around and never take it out of the case. Then I leave it at home and numerous fabulous photo opportunities are lost.

Like this morning as I left the market there was a van in the parking lot and the company was called: Stoner Protection Systems. Then underneath it said: A division of Stoner Electrical Group.

Do you think it’s a person named Stoner who refuses to see anything funny about this? Or a person who thought an electrical company called Stoner would be a great joke?

The photo above is from the Idaho trip I did last November. The past two days were clear and gorgeous and I could have taken a million fabulous photos but I didn’t want to drag my camera along. I already had a laptop and an iPod and the associated cables and protective cases. And I never replaced travel backpack so I crammed all my stuff into one tiny bag with overflow in the laptop bag which was not designed to hold anything lumpy. We have a regular carry-on rolling travel bag but I didn’t use it. I can’t come up with a reason why.

Photo from the zoo and completely unrelated to anything in this post.

On the way into Safeway there was a spanger standing out front. He says, “Ma’am, do you have a dime so I can use the pay phone?” and I said, “You mean the pay phone from 1976?” Doesn’t it cost about a dollar to use a pay phone, if you can find one, these days?

I love my Safeway and have nothing bad to say about them. All the people that work there are super nice and helpful. Even one time I was in there the day before Thanksgiving picking up my last obscure ingredients for some new thing I was trying. A guy from the meat department wandered by and asked if he could help and he found what I needed.

This morning they were in advanced BrainFart mode. I have no idea what was going on. The meat department was being cleaned and there was no meat. I’m hoping this is some regularly scheduled cleaning and not the aftermath of a biohazard. Then they didn’t have the price on Pumpkin Ale and they said no price checkers were in the store that day. (?!) I said to just make their best guess and I’d be happy to pay it. I don’t want to stand around the market for 15 minutes.

Nope. Too late. The brainfart squad was in motion. Suspending my transaction, moving me aside and pulling out the red emergency phone to find someone who can price my damn pumpkin ale. I would have walked out of the store for ANYTHING except pumpkin ale.

The Portland Office in their Idaho Office

Oh, I was going to complain about the airport, too. God, I hate the airport. Luckily I only fly once or twice a year. One thing I noticed, it used be the TSA squad was a very ethnically diverse group. I couldn’t help but notice that this time around they were relentlessly Caucasian. Well, there was one black man but I bet he was relentlessly American.

Those people are obsessed with their stupid 1 quart resealable baggie. They don’t even look at it. You could have a baggie filled with three oz. bottles with skull and crossbones on it and they’d send you through. But boy, if you don’t have one, they’re going to be waving a baggie in your face. I swear I heard a TSA guy telling a lady in a wheelchair that there were terrorists smuggling nitro-glycerin onto planes in Gatorade bottles.

The other security thing that drives me batshit is that you have to show your ID and boarding pass to get in the security line. Then you have to take out your baggie, your laptop, and take off half your clothes, your shoes, your watch, empty your pockets. Then when you go through the security detector you have to show your boarding pass again. If you’re like me, you’re probably still holding your ID because when do you have time to put it away what with having only two arms and all? And they always hand it back to you and say, “You can put that away.” Oh. Can I?

Well, that’s enough hysterical wanking for one post.

I have to write a bunch of pages this weekend to be ready in time for the next writers meeting.

Update: this is exactly the reason I get so furious at airport security.

I’m going to Idaho for about 48 hours and all I’m bringing are my crits (6 including CM3’s) and a bunch of podcasts (and a file of work related items). We’ll see how that goes. I’m not enjoying my current book which is never good because that just means I don’t read very much.

I was going to write a post about how I’ve been saying I just needed one more day on the weekend to get my act together. And I had that day this weekend. And it really helped.

Except this morning I was all in a rush and ran out the door without my laptop. And then as I was leaving the office I had to spend about 15 minutes finding my keys and my bus ticket. So I made progress but I’m not ready to win any prizes.

*sigh*

I don’t know what to tell you.

This is the 08 pumpkin crop. I expect about 32 pies from those babies. There’s one more tiny one left in the front yard. I’m going to give it a chance.

This was dinner last weekend courtesy of the Metlakatla Indian Community. I only made one small vegetable side dish so we could gorge ourselves on salmon. We did. The best part is that there’s more in the freezer.

Today I’ve got the day off and I’m making the best of it. Writing and cleaning house. I know. Who knew adult life would be this glamorous?

Today I’m doing all the things I don’t do when I’m writing or working.

There’s a scrap of paper around here somewhere with my blogging topics to catch up on but I can’t find it. Oh well. You shouldn’t be wasting all your time reading blogs anyway.

I recently read a post that said something about deleting long lists of bookmarks to “look at later.” I think I’ve reached that point.

But look at this one I stumbled across while researching a real thing:

Help Save the Endangered Pacific Northwest Tree Octopus

Bob wrote something about the financial problems of the local paper. I’m also not a big fan of the Columbian for my own reasons but I also hate to see the local paper crash and burn. The Columbian’s new building is right across from the Farmer’s Market and all summer long I’ve watched that building go up and said, “That’s quite a risk for a dying media.”

Here’s Bob’s review of Art Spiegelman.

So I bought these Trader Joes delicious mini ice cream sandwiches.

Then I went to Freddie’s and bought more groceries.

Then I put the groceries on the kitchen counter and went to check email “for a second.”

This is what we saw when we opened the box: (I know weak photo, no time for art tonight.)

I got a spoon and ate three bites and figured that equaled one sandwich. Bob followed my lead.

They were yummy.

I took this photo from the office on my last day.

Last night we saw Art Spiegelman which was fantastic. I was hoping my sweetheart had written his post so I could link but I don’t see it yet. Spiegelman a genius and super-interesting and I don’t have time to be more articulate than that.

This morning I need to run around and find some food for us. I also need to pay some property taxes. Then I need to spend the rest of the day writing because I have pages due this weekend.

But after writer’s group tomorrow, I am doing some heavy-duty loafing.

And, if any of my classmates are reading, after the loafing I’m catching up on all my crits. Well, I’m going to try.

New Office

These photos are all when we very first walked in the door on the first day. The previous tenants left us a few bits of furniture. These donations represent about 75 of our total furniture. We did get some office chairs.

This is the reception area. We don’t have a receptionist but the phone is named Alice.

We’re planning on putting a TV and couch behind that desk. We might already have a donation.

The door to the left is the conference room. I keep calling it the hot-tub room. We need a conference room table and chairs for all our many conferences.

This is my room. We swapped this tiny desk for the larger desk in the photo above. I also have 2 giant filing cabinets that you can’t see in the photo. I’ve got most of my stuff moved in but really need to organize better.

Today we got our copier/fax/scanner/printer/space shuttle launch center delivered and installed. That’s been the biggest obstacle to getting anything productive done. Picture your office life without the ability to print. What can you do?

This is my assistant’s office. Ha! He can start his own blog if he wants to set the record straight. I should put his name here in case his stalkers are looking for him. But I won’t.

We had our first solicitor today. I’m a little confused because he wanted to sell me office supplies but didn’t have a card and said he was from Boston and just visiting town for training. Training in cold-calling? Maybe I should see if my wallet is still in my purse.

Tomorrow I’m going back to the old office to wrap up a few last details. Then I need to get rolling on the new stuff.

Photo courtesy of shelmac

Last night Bob took me to see Sigur Ros. I was sneering at the kids taking photos because concert photos all look the same. Then I found a bunch of great photos online. Yay “cc” licensing.

Now I spent so much time farting around looking at photos I don’t have time to write proper post.

Reader’s Digest Condensed Version: I had a great time and I enjoyed the show.

Having said that: the music isn’t really my thing. The parts that I connected with I loved. But there were parts where I was thinking: enough with the noodling kids.

And I didn’t get to bed until 11:30pm so I slept in until the slacker time of 5:45am and now my eyes are drooping past my shoulders. Time to get some work done.