You're Doing It Wrong

I have a widget on my desktop with the local weather. It shows today plus a three day forecast with the temperature and a graphic. For example: a sun and cloud or clouds and rain. Today’s graphic showed clouds and what looked like booger colored hailstones. What was that? I think it had to do with the wind but why green boogers?

Here’s my other Creem letter to the editor which was printed in METAL Creem Close-Up January 1988 with Metallica (James and Kirk) on the cover.

The mail column in this spin-off was:

CHAINMAIL (CHAINMAIL is your forum … if you have any opinions, observations, secret knowledge or simply a godlike insight into metal, we’d love to hear from you. So, to become a force to be reckoned with in metal circles everywhere, send your letters … .

LEPPARD: ULTIMATE SELL-OUT OF ALL TIME EVER IN HISTORY … OR NOT?

At the end of last year I wrote you a letter whining about the whereabouts of some mythical Def Leppard record. Now, finally, I have it after scratching on the door of my local record supermarket first thing on August 3, watching the brain-dead clerks trying to get the registers turned on.

Now that I have my record home, what is this? Where is that fabulous “raise your fist and beat the air” music that never left my aural cavities daily for almost three solid years? Listening to the pounding battle-cry of Pyromania (the album I want to be buried with) I ran laps, did volumes of calculus and fought with my stupid boyfriend. I was AWOL from a collegiate torture known as sorority rush in order to go to the fabulous Forum and sit in the nosebleed section with said boyfriend and three of his drug-snarfing pals and I was virtually drooling in euphoria. Now, five long years later, I break all speed records buying this album only to find my idols have mutated into some kind of Night Ranger.

It’s like these guys skimmed the perfect (nauseating) elements of every bogus commercial rock outfit from Bryan Adams to boys-of-the-moment Bon Jovi, and made the quintessential commercial rock cupcake album. There’s no punch, not stomp, no fun! And their formerly crappy lyrics have, amazingly, become worse! I am distraught. Well, I suppose the album will be huge; they probably could use the money. I hope they’re happy now!

Yeah, I never liked the Hysteria album as much as Pyromania but it did spend a lot of time in the CD player back then. It didn’t occur to me until re-reading this letter recently what an oddball biography I was offering what with the metal, calculus and sorority bits. Not what you’d expect from a headbanger, eh?

I needed to buy this fancy product for a gift. Normally I would get it at the spa but since I wasn’t going to be at the spa before I gave the gift I decided to order it online. The reputable seller I would normally use was out so I randomly searched for the cheapest price and placed my order.

Yesterday I got one of those orange cards in the mail that says I have a package from Hong Kong that I need to sign for at the Post offce.

I had a box to mail anyway so I trucked down and showed my ID and got my package from Hong Kong. Get this: the shipping box had a lovely blue ribbon on it. Have you ever seen that?

Turns out it’s the product. The online store said it was in CA. I was a little nervous that I bought a knock-off but I opened the box and if it’s fake, it’s a brilliant fake. It even has the insert about the product in about 10 different languages. So what’s the gimmick why they can sell it cheaper from Hong Kong and does this violate any laws?

I wish I could blog while I was driving because I always think of all kinds of things to say then. But later, when I’m sitting here in front of the computer (I almost just typed “sitting here in front of the TV” I don’t even know what I’m doing right now) I’m a big fat blank.

In case you didn’t hear, Mötley Crüe is reuniting for a big tour. I already informed Bob, with a big HA HA HA, that he should find his earplugs as he would be attending this event. All the hippies and so forth that I’ve been a good sport over the years: it’s time for payback.

But upon futher reflection, I realized I don’t even want to see Mötley Crüe. Yeah, sure the Shout at the Devil show at the ECen at UCSB was wild and fun and LOUD but I never listened to their CDs much and I wouldn’t even trudge to the arena last year to see Def Leppard or Van Halen, why would I go for Crüe? The only reason would be to watch Bob suffer through it and that doesn’t seem like a good enough reason to go.

I have a number of blogs I read on a regular basis. I’m going to make a list hopefully before we go on vacation. But I know what’s it’s like to someone doesn’t post for awhile — but geez, even doing a half-assed job at blogging takes a lot of time. I’ve been trying to get the rest of this CREEM magazine stuff together forever but I’m working on the holiday newsletter and actually doing some creative writing so the blog suffers … .

Today I’m going to tell you about pit juice as in underarm product. I have a particular product I use by Tom’s of Maine and it’s the only thing I will use. It’s not the plain deodorant which clearly doesn’t work and is not better than nothing. It’s the anti-perspirant & deodorant. One time I needed a refill and Bob couldn’t find it so he bought some regular brand in its “aloe vera” version since that sounded half natural and I swear after I used it I couldn’t get my armpits wet in the shower. Sorry, but I don’t think it’s healthy to have completely dry armpits. (I know, isn’t this a swell topic?)

Last time I needed my product I ordered it from Fred Meyer and for reasons I don’t understand it took about 2 months for the order to come through and at the end I was rolling a dry canister under my arms in pure desperation. This time I gave myself a good headstart and I brought in my bottle to the health products counter so we’d have all the correct product numbers and apparently that gal took my info and went on the never-ending coffee break because a month later when I check on the progress of my order: no one knew nothing.

I started all over and then checked in a couple of weeks ago and we seemed to be on track so then I checked again last week and the lady said that there was a huge display and why didn’t I just buy it from the huge display? Well, I checked the huge display and my stuff wasn’t there and at this point the huge display wasn’t even there anymore. “Sure it is,” she says, “I’ll show you.” And we march over to the huge display: but it’s not there any more. It’s gone. Completely gone along with the gallons of mythical product that I want. She checks in the back and swears she will call me with the info on my product.

No call.

This morning I logged into Toms of Maine.com and ordered 3 bottles. It should be here by the end of the week. Eff Fred Meyer, Hazel Dell.

Yesterday I ran some errands including going to Home Despot to get some replacement lights for our front of the house motion detector which has been off forever. When Dad and Erin were here they looked at it and Dad bought some replacement bulbs but they didn’t fit so I ran in to HD with the old bulb to see if I could find the right size.

In the parking lot a giant seagull stood on the hood of a white pickup truck and pecked at its reflection in the windshield. It was really creepy. For a second I wondered if it was the truck owner’s pet. And if seagulls are that stupid, why we don’t see them on car windshields all the time.

I found my replacement bulbs and they have self-check at HD now so I got out of there in record time. I decided to fix the bulbs the minute I got home otherwise they would sit on the counter forever. Dad showed me how to get the contraption open so that wasn’t an ordeal but the minute I touched the bulb (which I was holding in a dishtowel) prongs to the thingey, the bulb would go on and immediately become molten freaking hot so I couldn’t get it in there properly. The person who designed this thing should be flogged without mercy. I tried several things to turn the unit off and nothing worked. If you’re wondering why I didn’t just switch it off — you’ll have to ask Uncle Joey about that.

I called Dad for tips and we eventually figured the best plan was to shut off the breaker so off to the basement I went and after several switch-go back out and up the stairs and check: no-go back down and try another switch — I turned off every switch and it WAS STILL ON. Then I had to find a flashlight so I could find my way back to the dark basement and turn everything back on. Long before this point I decided this was a large, time consuming pain in the ass for one little thing which I believe is a metaphor for our entire existence.

I checked the shop to see if there was an additional box in there and there was and I turned off everything in that one, replaced my light bulbs, reassembled everything and then turned everything back on. The light has been burning ever since. I don’t know how to make it a motion detector again and frankly, I’m bored with the project. The goal was to have a light there and it’s there: all the time.

Can I please complain about the traffic? I hate commuting anyway and two nights in a row there was an accident on I-5 NB. Last night it took 45 minutes and it was yoga night which means I didn’t even leave downtown until 7:15. Tonight it took an hour.

Also, Mr. Angry Honking Truck Driver: Dude, there were at least 10 open car lengths behind me and only 2 in front of me so I don’t know what you were thinking speeding up like I’m going to yield to you in front of me.

I jumped on the computer about an hour ago to write you all a nice story about my Thanksgiving but first I decided to take care of a gift I needed to order and the farking corksmucker paypal order system wouldn’t work and kept telling me to try entering my information again. After the 4th time I felt like braining myself. I still feel like braining myself. Do computers really make our lives easier? By the way, I still haven’t straightened out my automatic billpay with verizon — another feature intended to make my life easier and it works if easier means spending 45 minutes on the computer trying to pay my bill, then calling to tell them I’m having a problem only to learn that if I have online billing, they can’t help me on the phone so I log back in and the computer tells me if I’m having problem with my online billing to please call. You can see why I’m a little agitated.

Enough about that.

Thanksgiving turned out excellent. We had the family here and had numerous fantastic meals, including the traditional Turkey Day chow. We did some Black Friday shopping — something I haven’t done in 100 years and it wasn’t as hideous as I’d imagined although we were already on our way back home by Noon. We had dinner and jazz at Salty’s, we went to the Portland Art Museum and we saw Sideways. Excellent time.