Things I Don’t Wear

Fleece – I can’t explain what my thing is about fleece. Why wouldn’t I like fleece? I was looking at some cute stuff in a catalog last night and then read the description and wrinkled my nose and muttered, “fleece.”

Heels – I gave up heels a long time ago purely as a comfort thing. I’d much rather my feet be happy than fashionable. Lately I’ve been thinking I might like to buy a nice dress that I can wear to holiday parties for the next 10 years and if I get a nice dress, perhaps I should get some heels. The most comfortable heels on the market. Is there such a thing?

Things Around My Neck – I don’t like turtlenecks, mock turtlenecks or any kind of shirt or sweater that goes right up around my neck. I don’t mind scarves to keep my neck warm in winter.

Capris – I hate Capri pants. To me, they look like a mistake. I do wear Capri yoga pants because my legs are freakishly short and if I bought regular yoga pants I would have to hem them and I don’t want to hem yoga pants. I know this makes little sense but it’s my list and I don’t wear Capri pants.

Pastels – almost every year my folks give me a clothing gift certificate for Christmas and sometimes I sit on it for awhile so that by the time I finally venture out into shopping land, the Spring stuff is out and it’s all ooky pastels. I’m not a pastel person. I don’t even wear many colors. I have the black/gray/brown wardrobe. Lately I’ve gotten crazy and branched out into some burgundy and I bought a shirt that’s light blue. Watch out.

Flip-flops – which were called “thongs” when I was a girl. I wore flip-flops a lot in my younger days and I can’t explain why at this point in my life, the thought of wearing a shoe with a thing between my toes, skeeves me out. Also, I think that some flip-flops look sloppy which is fine for the beach or the mall but maybe not the best for the office or a nice restaurant. This is one of those things where I can tell I’m getting to be an old lady because while in principle, I think the world should be free of fashion police, I also think people should want to look halfway decent when they’re out in public. There’s a nice restaurant that we like to go to to celebrate birthdays, etc. and last time we were there I noticed about 99% of the patrons were wearing jeans and sweatshirts and I was thinking, “Jesus Christ Vancouver, would it kill you to put on a pair of slacks and a shirt with buttons now and then?”

Thongs – the underwear. Flossing my ass all day is not my idea of a good time.

Strapless – The idea of stepping out of the house with a top on that has no straps terrifies me. I think this goes back to a story my Mom told me about a middle school graduation that I did not attend but some poor girl wore a strapless long dress – remember those ones that were like a tubetop with a skirt attached? And she stepped on the dress and pulled her dress down in front of everyone. How do those strapless things stay up? It just seems like an accident waiting to happen.

Vests – I have one vest that was a gift from my mother-in-law that I wear sometimes but in general I don’t get the idea. If I want to be warm, I want my arms covered. If I don’t want to be warm, I’ll wear a tanktop. I was once considering developing an innocent crush on this guy and then I saw him wearing a sweater vest. I took my innocent crushing elsewhere.

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