Last night we had takeout Mexican food. I woke up in the middle of the night with the worst indigestion I’ve had in years. I got up once and thought I was okay but Bob started flopping around and I hissed, “Stop breathing on me!”
I had to get up again and got an Alka Seltzer and wandered around the house. I still couldn’t settle down so I thought maybe I could find a movie or something on TV.
You know what’s on TV in the middle of the night?
Infomercials. 500 channels of infomercials.
Infomercials fascinate me because they are so phony. It’s a particular flavor of phony that they all share like they’re made at the same factory from actors who are trained to act the same way. And there is so much talking with so little information provided.
The first one I saw started with a man carrying about 12 folding outdoor chairs which he couldn’t hold on to. Voiceover: Has this happened to you?
Like the only choice was to carry all those chairs at the same time.
The solution? The pocket chair. It’s a tiny little chair that you can fold up and keep in your pocket. How handy!
Except, I’m not a large person and I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t be comfortable sitting in this tiny chair. I bet kids would like it.
The other one I watched had to do with Free Money. Did you know there is tons of free money out there that THEY don’t want you to know about? The government has tons and tons of free money. You can just fill out a form and get your free money. What are you waiting for? The guy who wrote the book is interviewed by an attractive blonde woman who is practically foaming at the mouth because she’s so amazed about all this free money that’s available to anyone, even you and me. The man tells us he doesn’t make any money off the book, he just wrote it as a public service. Well, the mean old FTC doesn’t think his work is a public service.
The book is usually $30 but it was on sale for $20 last night plus s&h which many dissatisfied people on the Internet said added up to about 14 additional bucks. Plus I guess they subscribe you to a newsletter or something and keep charging you. But what about all the free money? Another funny thing is he pushes it like this is a compact book which streamlines the free money getting process. It’s not like all those telephone book sized tomes that show you where to get free money and waste your time with so much information.
I didn’t buy anything but I also didn’t get back to sleep for a couple of hours. Someone should do an infomercial about insomnia.