You’re So Inane
This is my post about reading Cosmopolitan magazine but first I wanted to mention that originally I was going to rename this site: Your Doing It Wrong. I thought the intentional “your” with “doing it wrong” would be funny. But I figured the 3 people who end up here by accident and don’t know me would assume I was an idiot and maybe I am but I don’t want someone to think I’m an idiot because of bad grammer.

Just kidding. Grammar.

Back to Cosmo and this is going to be short because sadly, I don’t have enough time to tell you about each of the zillions of goofy articles.

For some reason we get bales of stupid magazines at the office addressed to “Strategy Event Manager.” If you’re thinking to yourself: what the hell is that? Join the club. What is a strategy event? What functions would this manager perform? Do other law firms or companies have strategy event managers? Is it a fulltime position? And even if so, why would this person need Cosmopolitan or other fashion magazines that are actually barely veiled catalogs pimping stuff to buy with some filler that consists of advice that makes you stupider after you read it?

I don’t have any answers but last time a fresh Cosmo showed up in the lunch room, I grabbed it. It has Christina Aguilera on the cover and teases us with a new column, “sexy v. skanky, ” the promise of 30 sex boosters to make sex even sexier and Patrick Dempsey (Dr. McDreamy) photos that “could cause cardiac arrest.” Let’s look inside, shall we?

Geez, I don’t even know where to start. Tons of ads. That’s nothing new. Boy, they use green tea to sell anything now, don’t they? Shampoo. Bath gel. I was at a restaurant that had green tea liquor and you could get a martini with all the benefits of green tea. If it’s not green tea, products are stuffed with fruit, vegetables, herbs, nuts, aloe or soy. Bamboo shampoo. Cherry almond body crème. Soy aloe nail stuff. Poor me with a bathroom full of foodless products.

When it comes to make up you want anything radiant, glowing, shimmery, luminescent, sparkly, glossy. You get the idea. You clothes can be glittery, too. All the celebrities are doing it.

Lots of ads for diamonds. I guess the diamond backlash hasn’t hit the glamour circuit yet. (ha ha)

They claim there’s a fashion craze for boy shorts panties because they don’t uncomfortably crawl up your cheek crease. That was not my personal experience.

Finally we get to the content. Of course I lingered in the Man Manual to make sure I’m up on the latest research findings. I learned “what his affection style says.” If he caresses my head, that let’s me know he cares. If he kisses my forehead he’s sweet, loving, and perceptive. Perceptive? From a forehead kiss? Personally, if he kissed my forehead I’d think he was treating me like a little girl. The article is accompanied by beefcake guys with their shirts off and their pants unbuttoned smirking at the camera and not looking at the women that they care about and are so perceptive around.

Another great article has tips of things to say after sex. I had no idea this was an area for which tips are needed. If you need to lighten the mood you can make a joke and say, “So, what’s your name again?” Write that down. It might come in handy some time.

For couples, there’s a “how to” article on stroking his ego. Are you kidding me? Gush over tiny tasks? Flatter his fighting style? Tailor complements for him? I’m not sure what upsets me more the idea that there’s a “how to” article or that someone thinks women need to pander to the male ego. How about this couples tip from me: be kind to each other. As much as possible. Just because.

Finally, there’s a huge article on what men want in bed. I always thought they pretty much just wanted you to go to bed with them. So here’s my tip for getting a man into bed: agree to go to bed with him.

I did find one product to try since I’m still a sucker for products. It promises to make me thinner, shinier, younger, sexier and it won’t ride up my ass. Also, I’ll be able to walk on water.

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