Volume 1, Issue 2, Page 1

It's the "I can't believe this is my life issue!!"
Just in time for the holidays!!

December 11, 1991

To all my friends, family and anyone else on my mailing list:

Because I've had such an ... ah, interesting year, I've decided to write one of these long drawn out multiple-copied Christmas letters, which to me are a lot more interesting than a simple card with "love Biffy" scribbled on the bottom. However, I still feel the need to apologize for myself.

Originally, this was going to be a "what I did on my summer vacation" letter and was going to include my latest permanent address but since I still don't have one, it's just an update on my really groovy and action packed life.

Read on!

The story so far:

I quit my job in December '90 to start the UCLA Paralegal program in January. I finished school in June, broke up with my boyfriend and decided to find a job in Sonoma County. I went up there for a weekend, things looked grim and I ended up crying in a mall and calling my friend Collette.

I ended up moving to her house in Elk Grove where I never saw an elk. I also never saw a job. I never saw a job interview. I just dropped dozens of resumes into a giant black hole at the bottom of the mail box. I got depressed. My car stereo got stolen. I got real depressed.

It's My Surrogate Family


I decided to spend the summer in Humboldt County. I went to Orleans, California, population 630. Right on the Klamath River where all the Indians live. I worked for my Grandma. I was a hoer. I discovered the best weeds are the big tall ones that have been growing awhile -- they make a great sound like they're popping out of the ends of the earth and the dirt goes flying everywhere.

Usually, I got up early in the morning and hoed. When it was hot we (me and Grandma) started Miller time at 11:30 am but the object was to tough it out till noon. In the afternoons I went swimming in the greatest swimming hole in the Universe on the Salmon River called the Blue Hole.

I was a friend of frogs. My Grandma's house has sprinklers with turn on valves in little holes in the ground and at night frogs jumped in them and got stuck. I formed the Garden Toad Search and Rescue Patrol. Each morning I'd tour each hole and pull out the stuck frogs. A few didn't make it but mostly I was a successful savior.

I was a friend of the huge toad that sat under the bug light at night and got fat on stunned moths. I also loved the tiny toads and I'd chase them and catch them and say hello. I learned that no matter how much you talk to and help toads, they still pee on you whenever you pick them up.

I ate a lot. I ate more corn than you've ever seen in your life. The kind where you go out to the garden and pick it and then scrape off the worms and step on them. Then you run over to the outdoor stove and toss it into the boiling water. I ate zucchinis up the ying yang. You can't stay in Orleans unless you eat zucchini. People hide it in your car. After a summer there you can't imagine that people actually have to buy it. If Spinal Tap had been Orleans then Derek Smalls would have pulled a zucchini from his pants at the airport.

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PHOTOGRAPH: Cousin Fred, Auntie Aileen, Me, Cousin Kathy, Kitty and Chim. Photographer: Autocamera

This page was made on December 9, 2000. Featured artist: Replacements. Featured beverage: really cheap chardonnay. My computer is a much loved lime iMac named Yoda. My software is BBEdit 5.0 which I am barely competent at using and Dreamweaver at which I am even worse.